If You Can
by broomcloud
Summary: Mysterion has dealt with crazy fans in the past, but his most avid supporter is Erica Cartman, who also happens to hate Kenny in real life. Now, a new and popular super villain named The Coon has vowed to make South Park the scene of a great heist, and Kenny's the only one who can stop the big-boned idiot from destroying the town in the process. (KennyxFem!Cartman)
1. That Girl, Cheerful as Always

"There's gonna be a full moon tonight," Stan said rather ominously as he opened his locker. "Do you think that means Mysterion will show up?"

"He's not a werewolf, Stan," said Kyle. "Or a witch whatever the hell else does stuff when the moon is full."

Kenny scratched his chin musingly. "Well, you know, Mysterion sure hasn't shown his face around town for a while. It might just be-"

"And what's this I hear about Mysterion?" With the clacking of heels on the linoleum and the tinkling of bracelets on an elegant wrist, a tall and stylish girl walked up to the boys with a stack of freshly-printed flyers. She menaced one at them with a manicured hand and spoke in a voice that didn't suit her prim and proper appearance. "If you said anything bad I swear I'll stick one of these in all your giant fag-holes and give you paper cuts where the sun don't shine. Unless of course I've just described a regular night with you. I'm looking at you there, Marsh."

All of the boys had to suppress a groan. "Hello to you too, Erica," Kyle said wearily.

The brown-haired girl, known as Cartman when they were all friends, gave her enemy a familiar look of scorn. "Yes well, what with our local hero doing away with all the crime in town it's easy to forget that evil still lurks in this world," she said briskly. "In the form of Jews, redheads and homosexuals mostly. And you, Kahl, are three for three. Are we going to add 'slanderer of town symbols' to the list?"

"Wow Cartman, you're even more uptight than usual," said Kenny. "What, the trusty electric toothbrush run out of batteries?"

Erica blanched at the insinuation for a second before scoffing. "If that was the case I'd just call your brother for another quick one. Kev only charges a dime, did you know that? They don't call you the McWhoremicks for nothing. Oh," she added with a scowl, "And don't call me 'Cartman' like you're my friend or some other hippie shit. It's gross."

Kenny licked his lips suggestively. "Yeah, just keep talking. You know how much I love listening to loud, stuck-up bitches when they're clearly on their period."

Erica didn't miss a beat. "You get turned on when I talk about doing your brother? I see," she said pleasantly. "Does incest run in your family? That would explain quite a bit."

Kenny leaned back on his locker, unimpressed. "Frankly, Erica, it's hard to be insulted by you because we all know the only person here with Freudian issues and a whore in the family is you."

"Excuse me?!"

"Why, did you queef or something?"

"HEY! HOW DARE YOU! You're the one who'll be queefing after I rip off what's left of-!"

"Erica, did you come over here to yell at us or did you have somewhere to be?" Stan asked impatiently. "You seemed pretty busy with those flyers. And like you said, we're not friends anymore, so..."

"Oh." Cartman ran a hand through her hair. "Right. Well, gentlemen, Kyle, guess I'll see you later. Until then Stan, please keep a better leash on your dogs. And maybe have this one neutered," she said with a nod toward Kenny.

Kenny made a face at her as she walked away. "Christ, she's annoying."

Kyle glared at him. "It's your fault, Kenny! You need to stop encouraging her to talk to us. Maybe if you didn't provoke her all the time she'd leave us alone. But I think we all know you don't want that."

Kenny gave him a look of confusion. "What are you talking about? I hate her fat ass."

"Oh, so that's why you're always staring at it when you think no one's looking," said Kyle.  
>"And I guess you really hate her chest, too," Stan added with a laugh.<p>

"Oh come on!" Stan and Kyle gave him a 'don't bullshit us' look. "Well, what do you want me to do? There's nothing wrong with her on the _outside_! I can appreciate a girl's body without thinking she's a nice person, can't I?!"

"It's fine if you like her, dude," Stan reassured him. "I mean there's no accounting for taste, but-"

"Oh, fuck off!"

* * *

><p>Later, while the teacher was in the bathroom, the class had a disruptance - the irritating kind one person had single-handedly resigned them to.<br>"Everyone, please listen! I have a quick announcement to make." Annoyingly loud heels clipped across the floor as their equally annoying and loud owner came to the front of the room. Everyone groaned inwardly.

"I know I've kicked a lot of you out of my Mysterion Fanclub, but times are tough right now for us," Erica said loudly. "So good news! I'm willing to let anyone back in who's interested! Don't worry about not passing the trials of dedication, because I'm significantly lowering the bar so even you moronic ingrates can join!" She then clapped excitedly as if they were all idiots who couldn't understand what a great opportunity they were being granted. "So, who'd like to sign up first? Please make an orderly line! ...Go ahead, I won't bite this time!"

No one said a word.

Erica visibly deflated. "...What's wrong with you guys? Don't you appreciate all that Mysterion has done for us?"

"Well sure," Red piped up, "but not all of us would sacrifice our pets and family members to him or do any of the outlandish garbage that you said was required of being part of his fanclub. It was a lot more fun when Bebe was president. Honestly, nowadays it's more like a cult."

Erica tapped her foot angrily. "Okay, cool! That's fine! Then guess what Red? Your ass is banned from the club!In fact, all of you are hereby banned! It's clear that I'm the only true Mysterion enthusiast in this school. All of you are posers! Screw you guys, and I'm pretty sure you know the rest!"

Cartman left the room still holding the flyers. Why had she even printed them? What was the point?!

Well, the point of them _now_ was to annoy everybody. So that's what she did by sticking the flyers all over people's lockers as some form of petty revenge. She was spamming Kenny and Kyle's lockers, giving them twice as many unwanted flyers as anyone else. She'd barely touched Butters' locker at all, a testament either to their friendship or her lack of caring for what he thought and did.

She didn't feel any better, though. She just felt humiliated. It had been so long since she'd yelled at everyone like that! It just went to show that she couldn't change. She was just about to allow herself to cry when she heard footsteps behind her. Assuming it was Butters who'd left to try to comfort her, she called out without turning around.

"I'm fine, Butters. Just go back to class and leave me alone, okay?"

"I'm not Butters."

Cartman turned around and glared at the person she saw. "Oh. What the hell do you want?"

Kenny glared back. "To know what's wrong with you. You made an ass of yourself just now, and over what? A stupid club for a hero no one cares about anymore? Why would you expect people to join when you don't even like them?"

"Kenny," Erica said slowly, "I am completely pissed off as of right now, so I'm warning you now to do yourself a favor and fuck off. I don't what I'm capable of today."

"Capable of throwing a tantrum, basically," Kenny said with his arms crossed, looking unimpressed. "You think I'm not used to it?"

"Not lately," she retorted tersely. "You and your two butt buddies starting having orgies and left me out, remember?"

"Why the hell are you always accusing us of being gay?" Kenny asked in frustration. "You're the one who wants to fuck some loser in purple tights!"

"That's not true! My love for Mysterion is pure!"

"Love?"

"I meant like, admiration," she said quickly.

"Right. Well I hate to tell you this, but you're wasting your time."

Erica glowered dangerously. "How's that?"

"Well look at it this way," Kenny answered, "What normal person, let alone hero, would want to go out with someone who's so selfish, angry and self-absorbed that their only good quality is their looks?"

Cartman's harsh black eyes widened like plates. She definitely looked shocked, maybe even on the verge of crying. But the thing about Erica was that any bruise to her ego was almost instantly channeled into violent anger. And sadly for Kenny, Erica wasn't a slapping kind of girl. And it turned out those manicured hands remembered how to punch.

Kenny hit the ground feeling dizzy and nauseous, though thankfully there was no bleeding.

Still, it was kind of humiliating to get socked by a girl. But then again, this was Cartman he was talking about. He couldn't count how many times she'd hit him, sat on him, then farted on him until he relented and agreed that she was the superior and dominant being. That was a long time ago, and Kenny couldn't help foggily wondering if Erica remembered as well as he did.

Maybe she did. Because what she said then was what she had said to him all growing up, usually with a joking smile. But this time, there was no smile. This time, she actually meant the words she practically spat at him before walking away.

"I hate you, Kenny."


	2. Theory of Happiness

"Kenny! Hey Kenny, guess what?!"

The shout was from far away, from a figure coming towards him down the street. The morning haze made it difficult to see clearly, but Kenny still knew instantly who it was.

In a matter of moments Erica's bright blue hat and red sweater could be seen. She moved surprisingly fast on those short, stocky fifth-grader legs. Waving her arm excitedly in the air, she nearly tripped on a discarded soda can and let out a series of curses quite shocking for a ten-year old. Her face was tinged red and blotchy from the cold, but she was beaming at him.

"Kenny, you won't believe it! The most awesome thing happened! Guess what!"

The taller elementary-schooler wiped his running nose on an orange coat sleeve. "Okay. What?"

Erica's expression turned flat. "'Guess what' means you're supposed to guess. Jesus, Kenny, don't piss on my buzz."

"Alright, alright," he relented. "Here's my guess: you used a tampon for the first time and you can't wait to recommend to me it for use as a butt plug."

Cartman was so used to hearing muffled disgusting things from Kenny's mouth that she merely gave him a weird look. "No. And don't guess if you aren't serious." She unzipped her backpack and pulled out a Gameboy Advance which was already on. "I caught a shiny Vagicarp in Chinpokomon!" she boasted, shoving the screen in his face. "You thought you were soooo cool with your stupid Legendary, but you can suck my Chinpokoballs 'cause I've got a shiny!"

"So?" he said. "I have a shiny, too. And it's a level 60 Gagmar."

Erica's smug grin drooped to a half-gape, revealing her sharp and oddly catlike teeth. "NO," she breathed.

Kenny shrugged casually. "Yeah, I caught it last week. I can show you if you-"

"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, KENNY! Anytime something good happens you have to go and spoil it! Go stick a Gagmar up your ass! I hate you!"

Most of their childhood conversations ended with her screaming bloody murder at him. But most of them also began with her smiling brightly, eager to let him in on something exciting. In recent years, though, the screaming incidents were beginning to greatly outweigh the positive ones to the point where it was hard to imagine they'd ever had them at all.

Kenny wasn't quite sure how he and Erica became friends, but he knew it had been against his will. She considered Kyle and Stan her friends too, though they merely tolerated her. In fact, it was Kenny who had to convince them to let her stay in the group. He did this out of pity-at first.

But over time he started to hang out with her alone, to take her side in group arguments, to feel happy when she said things like "Dude, it's Kenny, of course I'm going to tell him!"

To Kyle and Stan, Kenny was little more than chopped liver. But out of the three boys, Cartman chose him as her closest friend. Ignorant and irritating she might have been, but that still counted for something. But then puberty happened and things turned ugly.

Well Erica herself didn't; quite the opposite. Over time she'd gone from a pudgy-faced brat to a curvy and attractive young woman who dressed sharply and (sometimes) acted respectable. This made her popular for a little while, before everyone realized her attitude hadn't changed along with the rest of her. But that small window of time was enough for her to burn her bridge with Kenny. There was an..._incident_.

That was when he found out that Kyle was right, and what a rotten, ungrateful, disgusting bitch Erica really was. Ever since then, he'd hated her guts. And the feeling was clearly mutual.

So why did hearing her say she hated him today make Kenny feel so irritated?

Currently Kenny was sitting on his bed sulkily, rolling his foot over a used joint that had somehow ended up there. He shuddered to think why. But his parents weren't exactly lovey-dovey lately, so there was no worry there. Just a lot of arguing 24/7.

"Yew have disrespected me fer the last time, Stewart!" came a shrill yell.  
>"Ah fuck off, ya old hag!" a man hiccuped. "Yer high!"<br>"And you're drunk!"

"OH SHUT UP! YOU'RE BOTH HIGH AND YOU'RE BOTH FUCKING DRUNK, WHAT ELSE IS NEW?" Kenny shouted through the door. His parents were shocked into silence at having heard this from their quiet, good son for once. It had surprised him too, actually.

Stewart clumsily opened the bedroom door. "Ya wanna run that by yer Mom and I one more time, squirt?" he growled. It wasn't really scary because it was clear he could barely stand.

Kenny shrugged. "Not really. Go ahead and punish me if you want. It's not like you've ever given me anything that I can lose."

Stewart whipped his head around to face his wife outside the door. "Did you hear that?! I swear he gets that attitude from you!"

"Me?! If anythin' it's YOUR fault all our children are miserable little-"

Kenny calmly shut the door on them and sat back down on the bed, thinking. So _why_ did it irk him so much to hear Erica say she hated him? It was bothersome that it bothered him in the first place.

Maybe it had something to do with how much she adored Mysterion. How could she be more wrong?

Speaking of, maybe he should patrol tonight, just to make sure everything was okay. You know, better to be safe than sorry. But he was tired. And he was supposed to give Clyde's _Silence of the Labia_ tape back to him tomorrow and he hadn't gotten to watch it yet. Hey, even Batman had to get his rocks off sometimes, right?

Just then he got a text on his ancient Motorola Razr. the sender's number had been somehow made anonymous, replaced by "PROF_CHAS"

"Chas?" Kenny said to himself curiously. He opened it, praying it wasn't some really unpleasant spam.

The text read: "I challenge you to a duel, Mysterion. Come to the alley next to the liquor store at midnight and face your doom!"

Kenny thought for a moment, then hit reply. "Can we make it ten?" he sent. "I've been trying to get on a better sleep schedule."

There was no response for a short while. Then: "Alright. I'd think you would wish to hold off your doom for as long as possible, but if you wish to move the time, then death tolls for thee at ten. See you then, hero!"

Kenny shook his head. "How'd this guy get my number, anyway?" That meant it was someone he knew, right?  
>He thought about it for a moment before shrugging. "Nah, probably not. No one I know is that moronic."<br>Well, except Cartman. But there was no way that was her. There were no cuss words or emojis.

He suddenly felt disturbed that he knew so much about her texting style. He scrolled quickly through the history of his phone, needing to confirm that her information and all of their conversations had been deleted even though he knew he'd erased all trace of it many months ago.


	3. Invisible

Erica lay on her bed in her pajamas. Her damp hair made the pillow under her uncomfortably soggy, but she didn't have the energy to get up.

I had until the end of the week to find more members, she thought miserably, and I blew it. Not surprisingly, the school wasn't keen on funding a club with only one member.

The impending disbandment of the Mysterion Fanclub didn't upset Cartman so much as the thought that she, along with her idol, had officially become redundant. Nobody cared about Mysterion anymore. Why should anyone care about her? For so long she'd been nothing but his most loyal fan; she spent all her spare time researching him, trying to spot him in the city; she'd even briefly tried to uncover his identity until she realized that she didn't want to know.

What had she done before that? Pranked, bullied, acted superior to other people...hey, at least it had been something. Now what did she have?

She looked at the black mask on her bedside table and slowly picked it up.

"I don't care what anyone says," she muttered. "You do care. I know you wouldn't forget." She sat up and rested the mask in her lap. "Though I don't understand why you're keeping me waiting," she added bitterly.

* * *

><p>"You've kept me waiting, Mysterion."<p>

From the shadowy edge of the alley wall, Mysterion could just make out another human shape. A very tall one. That, or the person was sitting on a trash can.

There was a clang as the figure leapt from said trash can and landed on the concrete with a surprising amount of grace. As he walked closer to the street light, Mysterion could make out more of the stranger's appearance. He was small and young, and like Kenny, hid his face, though with a suspiciously tinfoil-looking helmet instead of a mask. An emerald green cape billowed behind the boy as he smirked at Mysterion.

"You have my permission to be shocked," said the boy, "For yes, it is I! Your arch-rival and dreaded nemesis, Professor-"

"Chas, wasn't it?" Mysterion interrupted. No longer a grade-schooler who played pretend, nowadays he had no interest in wasting time with harmless wannabe villains. He figured it was better to try and befriend them, and then convince them to cut the horseshit and go back to the nursery, letting the real men fight crime. "Chas isn't your real name, is it? It's better not to reveal any aspect of your identity."

"Chas" balked. "My NAME is PROFESSOR CHAOS, you imbecilic piece a'-"

"I'm just going by your text, buddy."

"Oh. Well anyway, my name's Professor Chaos, not Chas! In my haste to vanquish you I made a little typo! Big deal! Besides, you should know me anyway. We've been rivals for years, Mysterion!" Chaos crossed his arms with a confident grin. "Were my misdoings so terrible that you erased them from memory?"

Mysterion cringed, feeling a bit guilty. "Hate to break it to you kid, but I don't have that kind of ability. And I seriously have no earthly who you are. Something about you seems familiar, but-"

"Don't you patronize me!" Chaos screamed, pointing furiously at his opponent. "We're wasting time. I came here to kick your purple butt, Mysterion, and by goll-I mean by Jesus Effing Christ I'm gonna do it!"

Mysterion sighed. "Why can't these things ever be worked out verbally?" Ah well. Better get it over with. "Look Chaos or Chas or whatever the hell your name is-"

"EEYAAAAAARRRGHHH!" A scream that sounded like it came from the pits of hell (and Kenny would know) was followed by the nutty Professor crouching, then charging straight into Mysterion before he had time to react.

"HEADBUTT!" Chaos shouted as he butted his head straight into Mysterion's stomach (well, you probably could have figured that out).

Kenny fell onto his bony butt painfully with the air knocked out of his lungs. He cursed himself for allowing his body and mind to become so rusty. Maybe too many video games and drugs DID make you slow and stupid. But no way in fuck was he letting this weakling think he could pull anything over on Mysterion.

Kenny anticipated Chaos' lunge and kicked out with his leg at the precise moment, giving the villain debilitating pain and a footprint on his shirt. As the Professor fell back, Mysterion pinned him down, hoping he didn't look especially gay as he did so.

"Now listen, you little-"

CLICK.

Mysterion's shoulders went stiff (yeah, his shoulders. Keep your mind out of the gutter) as he heard the sound. He turned just as he felt the Professor's hands tearing off his mask. Realizing in that split second what was happening, Kenny shielded his face. Sure enough, the weird kid who'd just showed up snapped another picture. In order to hide his face, he turned back to his smiling enemy.

"You're a fool, as well as easy to fool, Mysterion," Chaos snickered.

Mysterion stood up. He wasn't about to dignify such a lame insult with a witty comeback, so he made do with a kick to the kid's rib and flashed the bird behind him at the boy with the camera. Then, with as much dignity as he could, he pulled his cape (which was thankfully pretty see-through) over his head and ran home.

He had never felt more uncool.

Meanwhile, Professor Chaos was lifted to his feet by his companion. "Nice work, Disarray," he said. The bespectacled younger boy nodded solemnly. "No problem, boss."

Butters surveyed the black mask in his hand. "Will we be able to make Erica happy, you think?" he asked in his normal, timid voice.

"Well," Dougie said slowly, "Taking down the idol of a friend in order to help said friend can be tricky. Especially since you're friends with both of them in real life."

Butters' kind blue eyes narrowed into angry slits. "I don't care about Kenny anymore. What he said to Erica...it's just unforgivable. That's why I gotta make him pay." His expression suddenly turned pleasant again. "Speaking of pay, I gotta reward your hard work, don't I? How about we see if the ice cream shop is still open?"

"I doubt it is. Besides, we're villains. Shouldn't we steal the ice cream?"

Butters shrugged. "Eh, it's okay. I got money." He paused. "Uh, th-that I stole, of course." His attempt at evil laughter lasted only a few seconds before it petered out into the night.

* * *

><p><strong>Annoying AN: One review for three chapters is pretty sad, don't you think? Speaking of sad, I actually wanted to go a more somber route for this chapter, but then I remembered that up until now everything has just been lame jokes and rude arguments. I'll try and add some seriousness, but I guess it's best to do so gradually. I'd say more but there's a spider uncomfortably close to me so I have to run away. Next time the plot will actually start to unfold! Also, thank you for the favs and follows! Ugh...it's really close. Nope nope nope I'm leaving.**


	4. Slacking Easy Woodland Girl

Erica often dreamed the memories she suppressed. Exactly why she had forgotten them on a conscious level was hard to say-maybe it was necessary. One could say they manifested in dreams due to guilt-but most people thought Erica wasn't capable of guilt.

Erica was now dreaming of being up somewhere very high, looking at the ground far below. Just how long was that drop? What kind of fall would a person have from this height? These things she had wondered vaguely as sat there. She didn't really want to do what it was she was considering, but she didn't want to go back to her regular life, either.

Her vision turned blurry and she smiled, saying something completely uncharacteristic. "There's no kind of future for me anywhere, right Dad?"

"Eri honey, are you asking me something? ...Ah, you're still half-asleep, aren't you? That's very cute but it's not helping us any. Breakfast is-"

"Huh?!" Cartman awoke with a start, her mouth hanging open and covered in drool. She wiped it off with her sleeve in a groggy fashion.

"That's it," her father said cheerfully. "Up and at 'em, sweetie, we have a big day ahead of us!"

"HUH?!" Erica repeated indignantly, suddenly wide awake. "Don't tell me what to do, old man! The hell are you even talking about?! It's Saturday! You have no right to wake me up!"

Lee smiled patiently, but there was a crease in his forehead. "Hate to break it to you kiddo, but it's Friday," he said apologetically, as if accepting the blame for his daughter's inability to keep track of the days of the week. "Hurry and brush your teeth. I made waffles!"

"I don't want no stinkin' waffles! Are you trying to make me fat again? Hey what's with that look! You sayin' I'm still fat? Because I will waste you!"

The crease deepened in Lee's forehead along with the widening of his smile. "Erica, I'm being perfectly pleasant. Please tell me why you're acting so angry-"

"Because you're an asshole, that's why!" Cartman shouted. She couldn't quite remember why, but for some reason this morning she was furious with her father. She thought it might have to do with the dream she'd just had, but she couldn't recall the dream so she figured it was safe to assume he'd messed up in real life. "I'm not going to school today! Just tell them I'm pregnant again."

"I don't think that excuse is going to work a third time, Erica."

Erica flopped back down on the bed. "I don't care. I feel shitty, okay? How am I supposed to do well at school like this. Tell me that, Dad."

Something clicked in Lee's head. Erica had been so agitated lately; it was probably her woman times again. He'd always heard those were extremely bad so he decided to give his daughter a break (as usual). "I'm going to the store, honey. Do you need anything? A heated blanket? Tea? Um, sanitary...items?"

"Yeah, get me some Cherokee hair tampons," Erica muttered. "That was sarcastic, if you couldn't tell. Just buy me a newspaper, would you? Thanks."

After he left, Erica got slowly out of bed and caught a look at herself in the mirror.  
>"Ugh," was all she had to say about that.<p>

Spread out on her dresser was the outfit she'd planned to wear that day. It was nice, stylish, pretty. Uncomfortable as fuck. She threw them aside and pulled out some ancient sweats and an ass-ugly Terrence and Phillip T-shirt instead.

She'd never realized just what a pain it was to make herself look nice every day. And what was the point, really? She'd never be anything but that gross annoying fat kid, no matter how beautiful she looked and was naturally. As she walked out of her room she glanced at all the makeup, weird-smelling hair goop and crappy straighteners she'd accumulated in her daily routine. They seemed to stare at her expectantly. She slowly flipped them off before closing the door.

Mr. Kitty was curled up on the living room couch, getting cat hair all over the gross yellow upholstery. He looked so fat and old. It was almost enough to make one sorry for him.

"Move over, gramps," Cartman muttered heartlessly as she ate a cold waffle that she did not intend to share with her ailing pet.

After channel-surfing a few seconds My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic came on.  
>"Friendship is fagic," Cartman muttered. "Or, something. I don't know. It's stupid and apparently for lesbian ponies. Who needs it?" She looked down at her sleeping cat. "It's like, I'm not in school, and nobody's even gonna notice! Not even Butters will care. Butters! He's seriously the only person I have left. You wouldn't know what that's like, you have friends. You're always out humping the cats next door, anyway. Jesus, are you dead?" He was lying still and smelled really bad. "Nope, just old and dirty like usual."<p>

She thought about the time she caught Kenny using her cat to go off to Booberland-"cheesing" or whatever it was called. "God, he's an asshole. He should just drop dead. I don't even care, he totally should. I mean it," she said loudly, as if Mr. Kitty had questioned her resolve. She flipped the channel again. "Fucking tit-obsessed asshole."

"-and apparently Mysterion has a-"

Erica backtracked with the remote. "Hold up, what about Mysterion?! Ah, shit!" She pulled up her phone and found the story within seconds.

"'A mask-less Mysterion was seen hiding his face with a girl superhero about his age...' What?! He took off his mask? Girl?! HE TOOK OFF HIS FUCKING MASK?!" she shouted, throwing her phone against the wall. Mr. Kitty heard the loud noise and slowly opened one eye.

"I AM NOT OKAY!" Erica shouted, picking him up and staring at him with a panicked expression. "THIS IS NOT OKAY!"

Just then the door opened. Lee appeared, holding a bag of groceries and a newspaper.

"You'll never guess what's on the front p-"

"I KNOW HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND THANKS FOR RUBBING IT IN!" his daughter screamed. "RUBBING IT IN AS IN RUBBING HIS DICK AGAINST HER FUCKING DISGUSTING GIRL MOUTH AND ******ING SO THEY CAN MAKE A ****** SUPERBABY TO SAVE THE FUCKING ENVIRONMENT!"

Lee could have sworn glass just cracked from Erica's yell but at the same time he worried he'd just gone deaf. "No, sweetie...you're on the front page. Remember that article they did about your club? They finally ran it. Your picture's even in it."

"...Oh," Erica said calmly. Then in a split-second she was angry again. "Thank you, now I feel like an asshole. I'm really sorry that I just yelled at you and I realize my tone suggests otherwise but right now I really have to be alone! Get rid of that paper!"

Alone in her room, Erica allowed herself to calm down. She knew what she had to do. Enough stalling.

"Initiating operation C-word," she whispered. Then, "Dammit. It sounded cooler in my head."

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry for spamming in caps so often. Also, sorry if this was a super lame chapter. I wanted to flesh out Cartman's character a bit but maybe this wasn't the way of doing it. Essentially though, she's tried very hard to change herself and become a perfect model student who people can look up to-but that never panned out and now she's thinking of giving up. Basically she is very unhappy but she won't admit it.<strong>

**Yeah, if you're wondering, there is some of my own junk/problems in this. But only that I cut class for really stupid reasons like "not really feeling it today" and I had a super-old cat a few years back that was always asleep or having seizures.** **Don't worry though, I didn't yell shit at her and ignore her and all the awful things Cartman does.**


	5. Re-Education (Flashback)

**wow ogre 10 sub I never expected this in a million yrs (sorry, I've been on Youtube for too long, the most IQ-damaging place on the internet.) It's a new year so let's get right back into this fic which is pretty much just Brooklyn Nine-Nine + bad childhood anime + five-year-old memes. Who would read that? You, apparently. So thanks for having bad taste. Otherwise, this whole site would not exist-there's a reason most of this shit isn't canon. Too awesome for TV. No, I don't think that's it.**

**Sorry, I'm pretty tired. My brain is like a gross rotten fruit. Hopefully the bugs growing inside it made something decent for you.**

* * *

><p>Chapter Five: Re-Education (Flashback)<p>

A fourteen-year-old Erica Cartman had been sitting on the roof of her house, looking down at the snowy bank two stories below. The elevation would be fine, but with all that snow...

Cartman wasn't the type to give up, but she'd never had to deal with this feeling before. She'd never had to feel the burden of existing, even though shortly after she was born she'd been dropped on a drug addict's porch, traded between two people who'd never asked for her. She was the fat kid, the weird girl who still hung out with boys and believed in the sentience of dolls. And yet all her life she'd felt perfectly normal. That illusion was ruined now, of course.

After all, no little girl, no child, no human being even, could be so ruthless and evil that they would chop up and cook two strangers into a stew just to get back at their son. But that's exactly what the fourteen-year-old had done, all while cheerfully singing along to The Best of Radiohead. That had been a few days ago. By some magic or vasts sums of money, the mayor had sheltered the incident from the media as much as possible. People still talked, though. Somehow, they always found out.

"Did you hear what happened with Lee Cartman's child?"  
>"Oh, God. What did that little monster do this time?"<br>"I'm not surprised. I never liked that kid, and now I know why. That family is nothing but bad news."

With this one, single incident, everybody knew the truth about Erica, and she knew the truth about them. At school, nobody talked to her. Not even Stan or Kyle, who were supposed to be her friends. And who knew where Kenny was. Like a lot of kids, he'd probably been told by his parents to stay home until everyone knew for sure whether his classmate was a deranged serial killer. Erica didn't realize quite how popular she'd been until everyone she knew was giving her a berth of at least ten feet.

But she'd been okay with that. Screw them, she'd thought. They were all losers anyway. It wasn't until the phone call that she realized the gravity of the situation.

"Dad, who the hell was that? Are you trying to get rid of me? What, do you not love me anymore?!"

Lee had tried to be reassuring, even though he had a completely guilty expression. "Of course I do, sweetie. But things just aren't the same now, Erica. I've done my best to raise you right, but it's clear that I'm not cut out for this. You're too much for me to handle." The emotionless way he was talking scared her. "I just think you need a more stable home, with parents who can actually help you. Please don't think that I'm giving up on you, Erica! I don't want to do this...I just think it's what's best for you."

There was a huge argument. Then Mr. Cartman, who'd never raised his voice or complained even once the whole time he'd been a father, finally reached his breaking point.

"Just how the fuck am I supposed to take responsibility for this?!" he'd shouted. "What do you want me to do now?! I've been doing every goddamn thing I can, but if you keep going like this then I can't protect you anymore! I know what she did to you was unforgivable, Erica, but for God's sake, you killed your-!"  
>Mr. Cartman couldn't even finish the sentence. He, a six-foot-four grown man, just stood there crying like a fucking child. Whoever this was, he was no father.<p>

It was after this argument that Erica considered jumping to her death. She couldn't think of a single damn reason not to.

Her dad was a fucking coward, and thought of her the same as everybody else. He even referred to that disgusting woman who deserved to die as Erica's mother. And how could that be? Jackie Tenorman had made it very clear she only cared about one family, and that was the legitimate, happy one that made her career look better. Erica, the result of an affair, was nothing but a nuisance. So it seemed like justice to Cartman that all of Mrs. Tenorman's selfish decisions had indirectly resulted in her demise. After all, if she'd ever been a mother to Erica, Erica never would have killed her. Everything that had happened was simply an act of karma.

But Lee didn't see it that way. And now, just like that woman, he was sending her to some shithole full of hopeless basket cases. She'd be living a center for human waste, treated like a mental patient for the rest of her childhood. But if she died, then she won. Her father would realize what a shitty parent he was, and her friends would feel like assholes for ignoring her. She wanted to die so she could make everybody else miserable. Maybe she'd even torture the Tenorman family some more in Hell. But more than that, she wasn't sure she had any other option. This was the only choice the universe had left her with.

On the roof above her bedroom, she smiled bitterly, finally ready to give up. Fuck it. After all...

"There's no place for me anywhere, right Dad?"

Her shock alone nearly sent her falling over the rooftop's edge when she heard a reply right behind her. But the voice wasn't her father's.

"You don't really think that, do you? Jesus, even more you're ridiculous than I thought."

-To be continued in Part 2-


End file.
